hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
