why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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