maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
