maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
