just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
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I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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