he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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