They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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