I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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