it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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