Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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