I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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