i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can't turn off my feet"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
