I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
