if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Randomize
