I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
