She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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