so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
