3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
