last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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