arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
