i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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