why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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