make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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