OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
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Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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