So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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