Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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