You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
