I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
