Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
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It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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