I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
