His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have post one night stand depression
im on a boat
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