i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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