I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
