I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
