batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
