I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My liver just broke up with me...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
