I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
