My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
