Plan B is the new Plan A
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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