Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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