she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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