i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
