i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
