I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
