Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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