I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
