my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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