the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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