I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
