A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
