We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
