Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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