I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
