after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
