I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
