I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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