I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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