I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
