I love black thongs
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
