life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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