he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
