I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
