apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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